The MidLife Journey

Do you have a hurting heart on this Christmas Day?

All around you people are singing Christmas carols, opening gifts, and sharing memories around a family meal…but your heart aches and even in the midst of people, the loneliness and grief and uncertainty about the future consumes you.

Maybe you’re grieving the loss of a parent in recent months…or a child that has passed on or for some other reason is not with you this holiday season. I know that many of you are without the spouse that you had hoped to grow old with…or they are there, but the relationship is strained. Some of you have experienced the loss of a job or you’ve been rejected by the world in some other way.

Are you masking that pain? Are you trying to escape it with alcohol, drugs, or some other “pain reliever?” Perhaps you’ve indulged in too many sweets, unnecessary shopping, or the mindless programming of the television. Or maybe you’ve buried yourself in your work, an over-committed social calendar or sought out unhealthy relationships.

What does any of this have to do with Christmas? Because I’m aware of the number of you that have reached out at what should be a joyous time of year. You’ve shared your pain with me…and I am hurting for you and with you. You are not alone.

But the hope that I offer is far greater than my own empathy for your situation. Christmas isn’t about carolers, over-extended credit cards, and packing up the car with presents to drive to a relative’s home to eat too much food. It isn’t about parties, and Christmas bonuses, and yard decorations. It isn’t even about getting together with friends and family.

Christmas is about the hope of Jesus Christ – the One that can bring peace to your hurting heart. He is the only one that can truly understand your pain and suffering and transform it into joy and laughter once again.

A few days before Christmas in 1999, I wrote in my Bible, “Lord, help! I’ve lost my way. I’m in darkness…chained by depression. Life is tossing me to and fro like a ship on a stormy sea. Calm the storm in my soul, Lord. Still the waves and bring me safely into the harbor of your presence, God.”

Stop running away from the hurt and anguish that you may be feeling. It’s time to come face-to-face with your own pain today. I know that it hurts beyond belief. You are emotionally raw. But you’re tired of masking the pain with any number of usual vices. It’s time to turn away from them and instead choose to let God take you to a place that hurts so much that you don’t know what to do.

I know that you’d rather be numb; you’d rather be any place than this pit of depression and despair. The feelings are real. The weight of the world is coming crashing down on your shoulders. God is allowing you to experience it for a brief time…to come face-to-face with the enormity of it…so that you can fully appreciate the gift that He offers you.

He wants you to cry out with the Psalmist, “I love you, Lord; you are my strength. The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my savior; my God is my rock, in whom I find protection. He is my shield, the strength of my salvation, and my stronghold. I will call on the Lord, who is worthy of praise…the Lord lives! Blessed be my rock! May the God of my salvation be exalted!”

“Weeping may go on all night, but joy comes in the morning!” says the Lord. “Come to me, all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you. Let me teach you, because I am humble and gentle, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke fits perfectly, and the burden I give you is light.”

Praise God! You are not alone on this Christmas Day! You do not have to go through this pain and suffering by yourself. God is faithful. He will show you the way. He will guide your steps. Pray to the Lord God. He hears and answers your cries for help. He will lift you up.

Do you feel abandoned? Alone? The baby in the manger is the Son of God. His light will shine for you a path of hope. You can step out in faith knowing that He will not fail you. You are loved.

“But the Lord still waits for you to come to him so he can show you his love and compassion. For the Lord is a faithful God. Blessed are those who wait for him to help them.”

Reach out to Him on this Christmas Day. Accept the gift of grace that He offers you. It doesn’t matter what your background is…where you are from…what holidays you celebrate. It doesn’t matter what you’ve done…where you’ve been…who you’ve hurt or who has hurt you. It doesn’t matter how deep your suffering…or how deep your shame. Whatever is going on in your life, Jesus Christ holds the hope of a future filled with joy and peace. Let Him be the One to comfort you.

And finally…

“Those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.”

That is my prayer for you today. Spread your wings and fly!

When Warren Buffet walked into the investment bank offices of Salomon Brothers back in the early 1990’s to help them straighten out a huge dilemma, he reportedly looked around the boardroom and admonished, “You guys look exhausted. Why don’t you go home and get a good night’s rest and we’ll meet again tomorrow.”

The ramblings of an eccentric billionaire – or common sense?

A joint study by Harvard Medical School and the University of Berkeley agrees, your brain dramatically overreacts to negative experiences when you are deprived of sleep. This goes way beyond crankiness. It may be that the current epidemic of mood disorders like depression, anxiety and just plain unhappiness derive from the fact that people just aren’t sleeping enough.

For the past couple of weeks, I’ve been, as they say, burning the candle at both ends in an effort to complete my new ebook, Survive Your Wife’s Midlife Crisis. [The new website isn’t up yet, but you can temporarily still order it at the pre-release price. When the new website goes live, the price will go up so you might want to pick up a copy now.]

Anyway, as I was saying, I was experiencing severe sleep deprivation – literally forcing myself to stay awake for days at a time. Not surprisingly, I experienced many of the symptoms common among people that go without sleep for extended periods – deteriorated performance on tasks like problem solving, reaction time and memory. This is why police officers report that drivers without sleep demonstrate the same erratic behavior as those driving under the influence of alcohol.

In addition to the performance deterioration, my body’s immune system was weakened and I picked up an infection that forced me into a position of needing some “sleep recovery” time. In almost all circumstances, the time lost by needing to recover from an unexpected illness is not worth the hours gained by lack of sleep in the first place. I had a deadline that I needed to meet. Some are faced with a family crisis or other unavoidable reason for skipping sleep, but it’s best to avoid this sleep deprived state on a regular basis.

Studies show that the effects of sleep deprivation are similar to those seen in normal aging. Maybe that’s why our mothers always said to get our beauty sleep!

Here are some tips that I’ve found helpful:

Start winding down early. If I’m not in bed between 10 or 10:30 pm, I’m awake for the next several hours. If you don’t get to sleep by 11 pm, your body experiences a natural “second wind” that will have you going strong until at least 1 or 2 o’clock in the morning! People that allow this to happen regularly find it increasingly difficult to awaken in the morning feeling refreshed.

Avoid late-night snacking. Drinking coffee or soda or eating a big meal late in the day will keep you awake. Watching TV can also keep you up well after you’ve turned it off.

Drink herbal tea. Chamomile tea is reported to be a natural remedy to help you relax at the end of the day. Besides, it’s soothing to sit and drink a cup of tea.

Avoid late-night exercise. Working out right before bed elevates your stress hormones and raises your body temperature which may make it difficult for you to fall asleep.

Sleep in complete darkness. This optimizes the release of melatonin, a hormone which is essential to healthy sleep patterns. It also helps reduce the negative effects of cortisol, a vital hormone that is often referred to as the “stress hormone” since it is involved in our body’s response to stress.

Reduce your stress. Adopt methods to reduce your stress more effectively ─ massage, exercise, relaxing music, prayer, meditation, a funny movie, and even kissing!

Whatever is going on in your life right now, you will see clearer choices and make better decisions if you’re getting the sleep that your body (including your brain) needs to operate at peak capacity. Decide today to develop a bedtime routine that is both relaxing and calming for you. Whether it’s a soak in the tub or writing in your journal while listening to some relaxing music, decide what you need to get your zzzzzz’s.

Everything will look better in the morning!

Many of my clients, when I start working with them, have difficulty loving themselves. They say, “It feels selfish to love myself. That’s not the way I was raised.” But, honestly, how can you give to others what you don’t have yourself to give? One of the best ways to have more love to give away is to first give that love to yourself.

Women especially (but not exclusively) tend to give everything they have to their families. Then they hit midlife and everything comes to a screeching halt. They realize that they haven’t done anything for themselves…and they rebel. Why? Because it suddenly hits them that they don’t have a life that is seperate from the labels they wear as wife, mother, sister, daughter…and they begin to resent the fact that they haven’t developed any personal interests that give them purpose and help define them as a person.

It’s okay…in fact, it’s imperative that you find ways to love yourself! If you ask FlyLady, she’ll say that you’re finally loving yourself when you get dressed to shoes every morning, make your bed, and keep your “hot spots” cleared. By decluttering and decorating your space to support your creativity, energy and workflow, you are creating an environment that rejuvenates you. When you are uplifted by your surroundings, you are able to focus on the task at hand and give more to your work — whatever it may be.

You also love yourself by focusing on the tasks that capitalize on your unique gifts and abilities. It’s not selfish to delegate work that you’re not as gifted in because this frees you up to focus on developing the areas where you really shine! I enjoy writing, but working with the technical aspects of a web-based business leave me very frustrated. Am I doing anyone a favor by trying to struggle through these technical chores myself? Absolutely not! The world is much better served when you delegate or “outsource” the activities that don’t fall in your natural areas of giftedness. This is true at home as well. If one partner enjoys yardwork while the other partner is a whiz at bookkeeping, why force yourself to do things that don’t maximize your abilities?

You can also love yourself by focusing on your priorities instead of those imposed on you by others. For instance, if you take a Friday evening off to put your feet up and unwind after an exhausting week, you’ll be much more likely to enjoy the remainder of the weekend with your family. Don’t let their demands keep you from doing what’s best for you. By taking control of your schedule and being proactive about how you spend your time, you’ll be a much more relaxed and fun person to be around. It’s about balance. You don’t want to spend all of your time focused on yourself either!

At the end of each day, take time to reflect on your accomplishments. Make a written “To Do” list for the next day that reflects some of the important areas of your life — personal development, hobbies, longterm career goals, exercise and time with your family — as well as the urgent demands on your time like the report you have to get in, the mandatory meeting, or your child’s doctor appointment. If after reflecting on the current day, you realize that you’re spending too much time on the urgent items, then revise your priority list for the next day, scheduling those important tasks right into your calendar to ensure adequate time is allotted for accomplishing them. Remember, you reach your goals by taking baby steps every single day. But if you don’t set some boundaries for yourself, the important tasks will always get pushed to the back burner and someday never happens. Just 15 minutes here or half an hour there consistently over time and you will start seeing progress.

The key is balance. Maybe every day can’t be in perfect balance (actually, it rarely is), but if you look at the rhythm of your week as a whole, it’s important to take time for yourself. Maybe it means rising early and going for a brisk walk and then reading a motivational book before getting started with your day. Or perhaps it means ending the day with a relaxing hot bath, scented candles and cuddling up in soft, fleece robe while you reward yourself with “quiet time” before going to bed. One of my clients recently decided to break up her week by working three days straight and then taking four days off to focus on other areas of her life that she wants to develop. She enjoys her work, but she doesn’t want it to consume her.

I have developed the habit of scheduling a “date” with myself once a month. I may take a day off and go to the beach, browse in a bookstore, walk through an art museum or go get a massage. It doesn’t matter as long as it’s a break from my normal routine. It rejuvenates me and gives me a new perspective on my work and my life. I recommend you adopt a similar habit for yourself — without feeling guilty about it! Your work will always be there, but if you don’t take care of yourself, you won’t be able to give your best to others. Afterall, if you don’t take care of yourself, who will?